Being kinder to ourselves: it's all in the recovery
Whilst sitting round the kitchen table for a family meal over the Christmas period, our middle son asked the rest of us what our favourite quote was. Whilst this sounds like one of those Instagrammable family meals (and conversations) the intent was slightly less wholesome. I have a huge quote wall in my office at home, and my family don’t hold back in taking the mickey out of me for it…
However, in this particular instance, everyone decided to take the question seriously. Having each given our top choices (something I found incredibly difficult – how to choose from SO many good ones!) Joseph (middle son) gave us his.
“Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the PRESENT.”
Whilst we all exclaimed in various ways (brothers being rude, my husband and I being slightly blown away) Joseph admitted that the quote came from Master Oogway in Kung Fu Panda. In fact it has also been attributed to a few others, including Eleanor Roosevelt, but I’m happy to stick with Master Oogway.
I thought of this quote whilst reading and watching a couple of pieces this week. The first piece, from writer and researcher Billy Oppenheimer, contained various stories and insight all aimed at showing why it’s important to stay in the present.
Oppenheimer tells the story of John Mayer (American singer and songwriter) talking about his tendency to always be focusing on the ‘next thing’. This is a common tendency called ‘prospection’. Oppenheimer shares insight from psychologist Daniel Gilbert which states that: “Our brains were made for nexting…When researchers count the items that float along in the average person’s stream of consciousness, they find that about 12 percent of our daily thoughts are about the future.” In other words, the average person spends 1 out of every 8 hours thinking about the next thing. (And I have to say, I think it’s way more than that for me).
Oppenheimer goes on to tell us that to counter the brain’s tendency to prospect, John Mayer implemented a rule. “Because I’ve realized,” he said “Everything you love and hate leaves at the same speed: Done. Done. Done. The thing you hate that you have to do tomorrow will be over before you know it, and the thing you’re looking forward to tomorrow will be over before you know it.” “So I have a new rule in my life,” Mayer said, “and the rule is: Never wish for less time. Waiting for things to be over is just wishing for less time. Waiting for this to be over to get to the next thing—that’s just wishing for less time.” “So wherever you go, just make a home right there and do that thing…Wherever you are, go, ‘this is where it’s all at right now.’ I’ve been having the time of my life because I figured that out.”
I also saw a piece on Novak Djokovic last week, shared by Matt Schnuck on LinkedIn.
In a short video, Djokovic says that the biggest lesson he has learned about mental strength is if you lose focus, if you struggle to stay in the present, it’s OK. Accept it, and then come back. The key differentiator is how long that process takes – how quickly you can recover. Not ‘staying in the present’ all the time, because that’s impossible. And in fact there are many times when it’s good (and important) to zone up and out, and then zone back in. The key is how quickly you can zone back in when you have to. And Djokovic’s secret for this? Conscious breathing. That’s the technique he uses to zone back in to the present.
The piece by Schnuck then picks up on a broader issue (and breakthrough) that Djokovic had back in 2012. It relates to his mindset, and specifically his tendency to doubt himself at the big moments. Djokovic used to believe that this was a weakness, something he had to eliminate from his mindset. However, his breakthrough was to understand that he’s human, and therefore it’s natural that these emotions and thoughts will arise when he’s under pressure. So rather than trying to ignore it, or shut it down, he now expects doubt to arise on the biggest stage. And instead he has worked on developing strategies to deal with these emotions and thoughts, so that he can perform at his best.
What does this tell us?
· Advice to stay in the present, or not to hijack yourself with too much self-doubt, and all the other bits of advice along these lines that you see and hear, is undoubtedly sensible and useful. However, when it’s all around us, we can feel a bit of a failure if we don’t always manage it. Don’t. We are human. We can’t always behave in a ‘set’ way. Don’t put too much energy into beating yourself up about it.
· What is important is the recovery. Whether you have found your mind wandering away from the present when you really want to be focusing on what’s in front of you. Whether you’ve slipped into negative self-talk. Whether you’ve made a mistake at work. Don’t obsess over it. In fact, expect that it will happen – we are human. But do focus on trying and practising strategies and techniques that can help you get back to where you need to be. Whether that’s mindful breathing like Djokovic, whether it’s a mantra you tell yourself, whether it’s a physical ‘anchor’, find what works for you. And practise it.
· And the final takeaway for me – always remember how much we have to learn from ‘youngsters’. Joseph is nearly 21 – and I wouldn’t have written this blog without his question at the kitchen table. And the Djokovic story was sent through to me by a young trainee lawyer, Bernie Rivard, who follows me on LinkedIn, and had the courage to send the link through to me, knowing it would be of interest. Thank you both!
For more on this or any aspect of leadership, with a healthy dose of mindset, sport, and I hope usefulness thrown in, do feel free to browse through all the articles in the Huddle, or get in touch with me directly on catherine@sportandbeyond.co.uk. For more detail on the area this blog covers, as well as many others, please do order a copy of my book - Staying the Distance: The Lessons From Sport That Business Leaders Have Been Missing. Links to buy the book can be found here I have also put together a collection of the podcasts, interviews and sessions on and in which I have recently been sharing my thoughts, stories and insight, which can be found here https://www.sportandbeyond.co.uk/blog/2023/10/30/staying-the-distance-podcasts